I’m presenting the story of Food Truck Date #11 to you in the 10 Stages of a Blind Date. One that might go really well, then even better, then kinda okay, then shaky, then fabulous again, then… (You gotta read to find out):
Stage One of a Blind Date:
This is the stage before you even meet your blind date, and you just don’t give a fuuuuu, so you might show up buzzed with half-assed hair and makeup. This is the cynical stage for serial online daters where you know there’s a high chance you’re probably not going to romantically want to bang your date for a number of reasons: he doesn’t look like his photos, there’s no chemistry, you can’t find anything to talk about except how you both like Twizzlers… Let’s be honest, the not-liking-date-in-person possibilities are endless in the blind dating world.
With each of my Food Truck Dates now, I find myself deep in the throws of Stage One of a Blind Date. I’m not so nervous anymore to meet my dates, kinda just go into each thinking, “Meh! Whatever happens, happens,” and care less about looking perfect than I did when I started out.
So, leading up to meeting Puma Bait (Food Truck Boy #11), I drank two glasses of red wine while I threw on a mediocre outfit and rushed to catch the bus. This means I totally arrived buzzed with half-assed hair and makeup. You see, my initial thoughts were: he’s young, and it’s not going to go anywhere, so I’ll just show up and hope for good convo and maybe a laugh, at minimum.
I’m just going to come out and admit somewhat shamelessly that I’m a bit of an ageist …my Food Truck Date application lists the minimum age as 28. And by that, I feel like I’m being generous. If I had to pick an ideal age for a date, it’d be 34-37. I let Puma Bait sneak in, however, because I thought it was cool he started his own food truck tracking website, but it was hard for me to wrap my mind around intellectually, or romantically, connecting with a 23 year old. Seven years isn’t a huge age difference, it’s just that I believe so much growth and change happens from 23 to 30.
So, he’s too young, I look like crap, I don’t care cause I drank two glasses of wine and alcohol does beautiful things to you make you not care, I’m not gonna like him anyway. Right? Right.
Stage Two of a Blind Date:
This stage happens literally the *second* you meet your online date in person – if you had to choose, would you want to kill, screw or marry your date. Deciding to kill them could possibly take a couple sentences or conversations to actually conclude. But you should be able to go with screw or marry pretty quick.
Screw! Marry! Screw!
No wait, marry!
Ok fine, screw.
I can’t decide… all I know when I show up to SoMa StrEatFood Park is that Puma Bait is CUTER in person than the photo he sent me. Which is literally the holy grail slash unicorn slash Tooth Fairy of online dating. So that brought me to…
Stage Three of a Blind Date:
This is the stage that comes after answering Screw or Marry in Stage Two and showing up to your date buzzed with mediocre hair and makeup because Stage One led you to believe there was a five percent chance you’d like the guy. Stage Three happens when you realize you’re sitting in front of the most adorable human on the planet without your most beauty queen self to aid in the wooing of said adorable human into your pants. This is what I call – Up Shit Creek Without A Paddle Stage.
Not only was Puma Bait the holy grail slash unicorn slash Tooth Fairy of online dating, but he was also immediately easy to talk to, and super nice. Gush, gush, gush. Puke, puke, barf.
I wasn’t feeling my most fabulous self, but I decided to dig myself out of shit creek with my fabulous conversational skills paddle (at least that’s what my mom told me).
Together Puma Bait and I walked over to the infamous El Tonayense taco truck parked just outside of SoMa StrEatFood Park to feed our mutual love for Mexican food, and quickly fell into a dating flow that felt like we were firing through convos from music to exercise to travel to work to our mutual food truck love (duh).
Have you ever been on a date where you feel like there’s so much to talk about, you keep skipping and jumping topics because you can’t get the words out fast enough? Yeah THAT. The best. Gush, gush, gush, puke, puke, barf.
El Tonayense food truck via @jdgut on Instagram
Stage Four of a Blind Date:
The B L U RRRRRR stage is reached if and only if you’ve made it through the first three stages of blind dating and you lurvvv your date and start feeling starry eyed and excited and all the girl stuff that kinda makes guys wanna barf. This is the part of your date that goes in one big B L U RRRRRR because you’re having such a good time, or because your drunk. Either way, time will fly and you may or may not remember it later! Caution: pants.
Three tacos, one burrito, two beers and two glasses of apple cinnamon sangria later, Puma Bait and I closed down SoMa StrEatFood Park and decided to walk to one of my favorite nearby bars, Bloodhound, to grab a few more adult beverages.
Bloodhound is one of those super cool Portland and Seattle-esque bars with a fancy hipster vibe – painted blackbirds on the ceiling, an antler chandelier, Big Buck Hunter and a pool table, and snobby libations served up in mason jars. Puma Bait ordered an Old Fashioned, I snagged a microbrew, and we continued chattin it up in one big B L U RRRRR of the rest of an evening.
Ceiling at Bloodhound via @kobannon on Instagram
Now I know everyone frowns upon really partying it up big time on a first date, but I’m going to assume we were both having too much fun (and it wasn’t just me), and time got away from us because Puma Bait missed his last Caltrain home to the South Bay. So we decided to throw in the towel on keeping it low key and even a little bit sober and decided to cab to another one of my favorite spots in the city, Lions Den, and close down the bars.
Responsibility! Moderation! I haz them.
Stage Five of a Blind Date:
Okay, your blind date is over and next comes the Mexican Standoff Stage – who calls who, who text who, first. Do you send something the next morning? Afternoon? Do you wait three days? (Barf three days rule). Do you wait for the guy, or do you let him know how much fun you had first? Games, games, games! MEXICAN STANDOFF.
The next morning I woke up a little hungover and a little groggy – a 2 a.m. bar close is not my M.O. when I have work the next morning. But there’s just something slightly more satisfying about being tired and hungover from spending the previous evening with a cute boy you had tons of fun with. Uhhhh – WORTH IT.
Immediately I think about how much fun the night was, and how I would love to hang out with him again. Did he have as much fun on the date? Does he want to see me again? What is he thinking – does he care I’m OLDDDDD? Old, old, old. 30, 30, 30. Robbin’ the cradle. Do be do be dooo.
A girl wants answers right away after a good date! Waiting is for suckers.
I was just thinking about shooting him a text and asking how he was feeling after our bit of a party date night, when an email popped into my inbox.