When’s the last time you went on a first date with someone, lovers, but then didn’t feel enough of “something” to put effort into a second date?
I find myself in a number of convos with the single and dating in my life where we agree that first dates are pretty easy – it’s the second date that seems to be the elusive holy grail a number of us singles can’t find.
Has it really become that hard for two people to connect or find someone compatible? Or have we all just become a little too picky and lazy with dating that going out with someone we feel lukewarm about is too much work in a world where sometimes we’re so busy, it feels difficult to find time to pick up bread at the grocery store…
A couple months ago, I found myself solicitating the advice of a couple fabulous dating coaches who so eloquently told me that I was waiting for the equivalent of the Halley’s Comet of Love. One of the points we touched upon in our little Google+ Hangout coaching sessions was that I’m entirely too picky and think I “know what I want,” which actually leads me to rejecting a lot of guys too quickly (after the first date) when love sometimes develops after the second, third or even fourth date!
[Wamp, wamp, wammmpppp Jeanna. Get it together.]
I’ve thought a lot about that since because some of my most favorite couples in my life didn’t actually even start to like their significant other until date two or beyond, many of them even “grew” on each other. We all have those relationships that we slightly envy and want to emulate our next love after (I mean, yours might not be Kim and Kroy Biermann, but WHATEVER).
Personally, I have a handful of friends who are so in love and such a great match with their significant other, that I can only hope and dream to find that for myself one day. One particular friend of mine confided to me that after her first date with her now husband, she neverrrrr thought they’d end up together. She thought he talked too much and was pretentious! Ha. Now, they’re one of my very favorite married couples who are the most fun to be around and recently welcomed a little boy into their lives.
What if I’ve already rejected someone who could have turned into a great love and future future baby daddy?!
These are some of the things that keep me up at night.
So, I’m trying so hard, lovers, to stop being too picky and focus on opening my mind and heart up to men who might not come across as my “perfect dream boat love match” within the first thirty minutes. I’ve started to focus on going into every date and finding what I LIKE about each guy, rather than what I DON’T like. It’s amazing what can happen with a little perspective change, right?
All this little self improvement and change in attitude was happening right around the time I met Food Truck Boy #16, The Nerd, for our St. Patrick’s Day date.
So in the interest of not being too picky or rejecting guys too early, I focused on what I LIKED about The Nerd our entire date.
First and foremost – I liked that he’s a ‘nerd.’ Big nerd love comin’ outta this girl here.
I liked that he showed up in a cute yellow zip up hoodie and Vans in a comfortable, casual and cool non-hipster way.
I liked that he works as a UX Designer because I’m a geek about apps and design, so we could wax poetically about our jobs.
I liked that he was very NICE and didn’t have anything negative to say or have overly strong opinions I didn’t agree with, even if he might be a little too shy and introverted for me. Even if I felt like I talked wayyy more than him, and EVEN if I’d probably eat him alive with my bold, brash personality.
I liked that he was willing to try the new El Calamar Peruvian food truck because he hadn’t had Peruvian food before – to me, this shows a sense of adventure. There’s nothing worse than someone unwilling to try new things. AND I liked that he was okay with splitting our food – I love trying every dish and getting down to the business of luuuvvvv over a shared meal. Also, who wouldn’t expect the best kinda love to blossom over a green beer and my favorite Peruvian dish, Lomo Saltado?!
So what if there didn’t seem to be too much chemistry right from the start, that the conversation was sometimes sticky, and that it felt more like friendship than love. I was going into this with a, “YOU GET A SECOND DATE. AND YOU. AND YOU. AND YOU,” mentality.
I liked this guy enough to pull out a tiny nugget of possibility. A second date possibility. A ‘he could grow on me and we could fall in love and he could be my FUTURE FUTURE BABY DADDY” possibility.
Am I losing my marbles, lovers?
We both left the date very politely with lots of “let’s hang out agains,” and “I’d love to meet your friends,” or “let’s do beers and pool at a dive bar in the Mission.” But when it came down to brass tacks, neither of us texted after the date of followed up with email or any contact that said we had a good time.
I guess sometimes two lukewarms do not a second date make.
BUT, I’m still going to focus on keeping my mind open to second date love possibilities and toning down the quick judgement and need to reject.
Secretly though, I’m still on my quest for the holy grail of dating – the elusive second date with someone I feel gigantic, fly me to the moon, take my pants off now, let’s make babies and never leave each other again SPARKS (shhh, don’t tell my dating coaches).
Well, at least someone who sounds better than Snickers ice cream on my couch while watching Kim and Kroy on Bravo.
What do you think – would you go out again with someone you’re lukewarm about? Or should we all wait around for sparks and fireworks?