Lovers – do you know that there are two different types of Jews (snow Jews and pretty Jews), Jews are taught to procreate with other Jews at Jewish Summer Camp when they’re young, dreidel is a gambling game, Sarah Silverman is the hot Jewish poster child, Jews will try to talk down the price of wine at a mini mart, and Jewish girls are “TURBO sluts!!!”?
(Jewish Big Balls Batman, or JBBB for short, told me to capitalize the TURBO and include three – not one or two – exclamations at the end).
I took BART to the hippie loving, college town of Berkeley to meet JBBB on an 80-degree day in the Bay. I told JBBB I would not be able to recognize him without his Batman costume (and I wanted to scope his balls again just to make sure I didn’t have ball goggles the night I met him), so he agreed to show up in his Batman costume as long as I wore a costume too. Natch I donned my pink taco costume from Bay to Breakers for our Jewish Food Truck Date. Just me and my JewFro in a pink taco costume and my JewBoo in his Batman costume on the streets of Berkeley – nobody stared at us at all, I swear.
First off, JBBB brought me flowers. I don’t care whatever rumor might be going around that bringing flowers to a girl on a first date is cheesy. The gesture is not necessary at all, but ooooh buddy do you score major points showing up to a date with flowers. Especially a cute little bouquet of handpicked wild flowers. Every girl’s romantic comedy brain will start gushing rainbows and puppies and her pants will land in a puddle at her feet. Trust.
Together JBBB and I walked in our costumes from BART to Off the Grid Berkeley, located just off Telegraph Avenue. Obviously we stopped off at a corner store to buy a bottle of wine to drink with our food truck dinner. To say I was amused when JBBB tried to offer the corner store worker $10 for the wine instead of the sticker price of $11.99 was an understatement. You guys, he really is my JewBoo, frugal Jewish stereotype and all!
P.S. What’s a Jewish dilemma? Half-price pork! Badum bummmm.
We chose to meet at OTG Berkeley not only because JBBB lives in the East Bay, but specifically because Old World Food Truck, serving Jewish and Eastern European Soul Food, was going to be parked there. I wanted to let my full Jewish freak flag fly on this date!
I was excited to see OTG Berkeley was quite poppin since some of Off the Grid’s weekly markets only have two or three food trucks. This weekly market, however, had six trucks, live music and a number of hot young college students to creep on. Imagine having food truck meetups when you were in college. Cheap food jackpot!
When ordering our dinner from Old World Food Truck, JBBB told the owners about my 50 Dates project and asked if we could step inside their truck to take some pics for my blog. I was beyond the moon excited (it’s the little things) – I was going to get a peek inside my first real food truck! It made me a little verklempt, not gonna lie.
The two of us hopped in and took some sexy photos inside the truck. Sexy photos because we’re damn sexy, obvs. HIGHLIGHT of my dates so far right there. Getting the special treatment from Old World Food Truck made me feel so fancy and exclusive, and after I said that to JBBB he said:
Being Jewish is like being inside a food truck for the first time, all the time.
Oh really?! Tell me more about being Jewish, JewBoo…
Jewish Big Balls Batman started off by explaining to my not-so-knowledgeable-about-my-background Jewish Princess self that there are two types of Jews – Ashkenazim (from Germany or Central Europe) and Sephardim (Spanish , Middle Eastern and North African Jews). JBBB aptly differentiated these as just “snow Jews” (“from shitty cold places” such as central Europe) or “pretty Jews” (tan skin from Middle East). Since I’m a snow jew from Germany, that means I’m not a pretty Jew. DAMMIT.
JBBB told me the entire history of the Jews in two sentences: Jews started as a religion, but just loved each other so much that they continued to procreate amongst themselves only until they essentially made their own ethnicity (which is where my family comes in – we’re ethnically Jew, not religiously Jew). Because of this Jewish inbred mating background, Jews are really good at putting their children in sexual situations and turning their heads, hoping their children will fall in love and procreate. Hence Jewish Summer Camp where JBBB says all Jewish girls learn to be TURBO sluts!!!
JBBB shared with me the mating ritual of Jewish children:
- Go to Jewish Summer Camp
- Turn 13
- Ask Jewish girls if they want “a back rub”
- “Back rub” is code for “can I penetrate you?”
BOOM – Jewish ethnicity continues on in a healthy manner.
Basically I’m entirely bitter I never got to grow up full Jew and take part in this Jewish Summer Camp ritual.
So obviously I drank my missed-Jewish-Summer-Camp sorrows away in our bottle of wine and forced my JewBoo to play drunken dreidel with me (over another corner store bottle of wine). This is how adults face issues from their childhood – over wine and bad decisions! Take note. Learn from the best.
Drunken dreidel led to Hebrew lessons led to lots of laughter led to walking through a drum circle and marching band. Lucky for you I captured some of our drunken dreidel Hebrew lessons on crappy dark film:
Overall, the evening was one of the most fun times I’ve had in awhile – occasionally I go into these Food Truck Dates feeling less than perky, but after a date like this I leave with a GIANT grin.
At the end of the date, while we rode BART back to our respective locations, JBBB’s stop approached and he turned to me, grabbed my face, smooched my lips then jumped up and said,
UHHHH. WORTH it! as he jumped off the train.
The chutzpah on that man!
Jewish Food Truck Date with a JewBoo – also totally worth it.
*Footnote: I’m allowed to say Jew cause I am one (thanks to my mom). Apparently Jewish lineage doesn’t count worth a freakin El Shaddai damn unless it’s coming from your mom. My mom and I are both loud and proud with our JewFros, so it must be true. Jewish Big Balls Batman tells me I’m very Jewish because I’m smart (DUH) and funny (DUH). I’m just a regular JAP (Jewish American Princess, natch). Jury is still out on whether I’m a TURBO slut!!! or not. I’ll get back to you on that one.