Lovers! Did you know that this little 50 Food Truck Dates project of mine has officially turned me into a rent-a-date?! How neat is that. One minute you could be a just another boring citizen who pays rent and rides the bus downtown every day with a coffee and laptop to hack away on the Interwebs, occasionally hitting up happy hour on a Tuesday for some unsuspecting male meat, and the next! The next you’re a blind Pseudo Russian Mail Order
Bride Date. Isn’t life just MAGICAL?! That’s some Ghandi and Helen Keller shiz right there. Life changing! (And Heller Keller for the blind part).
This is how it happened: a couple weeks ago, I received a Food Truck Date application from a gentlemen I’ve since nicknamed my Mustached German Wedding Date. His good friend from grad school, Will, was marrying the love of his life, Megan, and their wedding was going to be in San Francisco with a food truck! It just so happens that the bride reads this rag regularly, so she and her groom had been “pressuring” him to apply to have me as his wedding date. (I’m sure there was no real pressure since I’m fabulous, right?! Either way, the Kraut caved).
Natch I immediately accepted the extended invitation to attend Will and Megan’s wedding once I received it. Mustached German Wedding Date needs a date, looks me up on the internet, fills out a form, and BAM – I show up as his Pseudo Russian Mail Order
Bride Date. That’s how it happens! Take note so you can either follow in my wonderful role model lead, or either figure out how to never turn out like me. You pick!
Leading up to the date, my Mustached German Wedding Date and I had some great text banter – he was friendly, witty and cute over text, so I was excited to meet him! On the day of our date, he sent me a funny shirtless photo of himself in his wedding gear and the caption, “Good look?”
I had a good laugh over it while getting ready for our date, which helped ease the nerves a bit and made the awkwardness of meeting, blind, on the day of the date just *that much* easier. I always find complete silence before and after a date to be so weird – engaging in a little texting banter before and after the date is a must, gents!
The wedding was located at Tera Gallery in SOMA, and when Mustached German Wedding Date and I walked in, I could immediately sense all eyes on me from his grad school friends, all of whom knew I was his blind Pseudo Russian Mail Order
Bride Date he met on the internet.
Was I a good selection? Should he have gone with the slight blonde mail order bride with hazel eyes? Should he have splurged for the primo Pseudo Russian Mail Order
Bride Date instead of the one 30% off – today only!
I could see the thoughts running through each set of eyes as I was whisked between handshaked introduction after handshaked introduction. Dabro pazhalavat! Dabro pazhalavat! (That’s how you greet someone in Russian, I looked it up).
Broken Russian aside, the wedding venue – and all the details – were gorgeous. And let me straighten something up – I’m not a squishy faced, drooling wedding girl. I don’t go crazy over weddings; I’ve never watched The Wedding Story; I don’t stop and doe-eye the dressings hanging in the windows at bridal shops; I don’t even dream about what I want my own wedding to be, and I certainly don’t oooh and ahhh over every wedding detail.
Get the picture? Okay then, moving on.
This wedding in particular, however, felt just so dang classy, modern and “city” to me that it had me oohing and ahhing to my girls afterward, which is an impressive feat. They done gone turned me sappy! (Now I’m a Southern, country-bumpkin Pseudo Russian Mail Order
Bride Date – stay with me!)
Tera Gallery was the perfect warm, sparkly atmosphere with oak-colored hardwood floors, floor-to-ceiling white drapes, a modern industrial, exposed ceiling and windows looking out onto the city.
Megan’s dress was probably one of the top three wedding dresses I’ve laid eyes on – a strapless, form-fitting, cream silk number, featuring a low back with exposed lace and two simple hanging ribbons. No pearls, poofiness or bouffanty skirt.
The ceremony was just as simple – Megan and the wedding party walked down the isle to Indie music and Megan and Will read their own (very cute and funny) vows to each other. Tucked at the end of the paper wedding program was a note about how Will and Megan made a donation in the name of marriage equality. (<3)
They also opted to skip the worn-out bouquet tossing and cake smashing traditions. And Lamb shank and butternut squash soup hors d’ouvres were passed after the ceremony while we sipped cocktails and waited for the reception tables to be set up.
Class, class and more class!
Too much class can make a gal go crazy, however, so luckily I was placed at Table #13 for dinner – the unsuspecting hoodlums table where obvs I fit RIGHT in.
By this time, the lights were dimmed low and candles were lit, bottles of red wine and loafs of braided bread were a carb-lovers centerpiece dream, each place setting had a cute little jar of homemade canned wares the couple made, and chimichurri steak was being passed from plate to plate. It was the perfect romantic setting for … awkwardboners.com.
That’s right – the only other single guy at the table besides my Mustached German Wedding Date whipped out (no pun intended) his phone and starting passing photos around the table from awkwardboners.com just while the bride’s family’s speeches were going on in the background.
Perhaps I should send my site to that ballerina and see if he needs a Pseudo Russian Mail Order
Bride Date. I mean, I can pirouette like a god damn champion.
That’s just one of my many dance moves, which obviously my Mustached German Wedding Date got to witness as I took my super slick moves to the dance floor after our boner dinner (weird). This was between multiple breaks to “go the bathroom” so I could double fist cupcakes on my way and shove them down my throat in the bathroom stall, of course. I am a wedding date DREAM!
ALL this lovers! All.of.this: going from boring to rent-a-date fame, a handsome date with a German accent, squishy gooey wedding love feelings, a dance party in the U.S.A., overindulging on cupcakes AND awkwardboners.com, and then it was all topped off with a FOOD TRUCK.
It was an evening of pure unadulterated joy.
(I really hope he doesn’t send me back to my country). xo