I’ve been in love – well, the only thing I know to be real love – once in my life.
And it happened 12 years ago.
This love made me feel like the luckiest person alive, the craziest, the most loved and at times, the most alone. It left me starry eyed and all consumed while lying on blankets in the woods, dancing to rock ‘n roll love songs, and writing our names in the sand and the sky. It was romantic, silly, sexy and the best friendship. I simply couldn’t think of one way this man I loved could be any better, or more right, for me.
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Of course, 12 years ago meant I was baby butt young, and circumstances of age and maturity left us: apart, and me: heartbroken. But, this breakup ultimately allowed me to become the most fun, single 20-something version of myself, which in turn allowed me to grow to be the best, most independent woman I could be. How could I ever want our ending to turn out different, when it is so much of who I was able to become?
Now that I’ve evolved into this version of myself that is 30 shades different than the 19-year-old version who fell in love, I still hold in my heart what I know love can be, what I’m looking for, and the hope that someday, I might get to feel a love like that again.
The only problem is, my “knowing what love feels like and what I’m looking for” has turned into “waiting for the equivalent of the Halley’s Comet of love” so eloquently said my dating coach, Daniel Packard.
To me, the “I’m waiting for the equivalent of the Halley’s Comet of love” line was a bit of an epiphany. Here I am so smug that I KNOW what love feels like – I KNOW what I’m looking for, that I didn’t event stop to think that the idea that I know everything, and have it all figured out, might actually be blocking me from finding a love like that again.
This epiphany was so interesting to me, that I’ve shared Daniel’s “you’re waiting for the equivalent of the Halley’s Comet of love” line to pretty much everyone I know.
Work: Jeanna, do you know how we can get 100,000 people to download our app next year?!
Me: YEP. Piece of cake. I’ve got all the time in the world to figure that out cause guess what, I’m waiting for the equivalent of the Halley’s Comet of love!
Corner Store: Debit or credit, ma’am?!
Me: Oh, I’m just going to go with CREDIT. Charge that shit cause I’m waiting for the equivalent of the Halley’s Comet of love!
Bartender: Tall or short?
Me: Yeah, let’s just go ahead and make that a TALL cause I’m WAITING FOR THE GOD DAMN EQUIVALENT OF THE HALLEY’S COMET OF LOVE.
(Aaaannnnd, work/corner store/bar – that sums up my life).
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Every time I explain this little epiphany to someone over the last few weeks, I have to explain who Daniel is – my dating coach. And this inevitably is followed with snickers, and “a DATING COACH?! You.have.a.DATING.COACH?!”
You’re god damn right I do, and you should too if you’re looking for a romantic, silly, sexy and the best friendship kind of love that you don’t seem to be able to find.
You see, I wasn’t really sure what to expect from the whole dating coaching thing either. Daniel, and his fiance Lindsay Chrisler, both professional dating coach extraordinaires, reached out to work with me because Daniel just so happens to be Jewish Big Balls Batman’s brother. (Sorry, I can’t speak to shared brotherly balls size).
After reading my date with JBBB, they extended an invitation to have a few coaching conversations with me. Daniel specializes in cutting through the bull shit, so to speak, and getting to a love breakthrough by digging into what might be blocking someone from finding the love they want – whether that’s past, current or future baggage. And Lindsay specializes in helping women find the love life they want by becoming a more happy and confident version of themselves.
So my first step in working with Daniel and Lindsay was to have an hour and a half phone call with Daniel to talk through why it’s been 12 years since I’ve fallen in love. Once he spewed the Halley’s Comet truth on me, we worked through some of my blockers and ways I could get around these things. Which of course I’m going to openly share on the internet for the sake of full disclosure and embarrassment because something tells me some of you are doing the same things. Here’s a bit of what I learned:
- Saying that I’m “picky” because I know what I’m looking for and have high expectations is a catch phrase that might actually keep me from from exploring relationships and dates further, and I could actually be filtering out good men who I have the potential to fall in love with.
- A lot of love and dating is the unknown – not knowing if they like you, not knowing when you’ll hear from them – and I don’t like the unknown and feeling out of control or vulnerable, so I don’t do anything that makes me feel those things.
- To avoid the unknown and feeling out of control, I don’t take any chances. I don’t take chances with guys I like, and I don’t take chances with guys who I don’t like. If I don’t feel amazing sparks on the first date, I immediately dismiss the guy and never go on a second date. And if I do feel amazing sparks on the first date, I’m too nervous and chicken to let the guy know I like him, too nervous to text him, too nervous to ask him out. Because the fear of rejection, unknown, losing control and being vulnerable consumes me.
SOOO basically, some of my takeaways that Daniel helped me to realize I need to attempt from here on out with my dates are to:
- Focus on connection, not rejection. Lower all of my rules and focus on treating every guy like an opportunity to fall in love, rather than the opportunity to reject him because I’m “picky.”
- Learn to connect with men, without needing to control the situation, know the outcome or need it to end a certain way.
- Take risks! Let guys know I like them. Ask them out. Make a move.
And after that, after mastering allll of that, I just might find love – a starry-eyed, all-consumed, lying-on-blankets-in-the-woods, dancing-to-rock-’n-roll-love-songs, and writing-our-names-in-the-sand-and-the-sky kind of love – before 2061, when Halley’s Comet makes her 75-year orbit back to earth.
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What say you, lovers? Have you ever done dating coaching – and if you haven’t, would you? Do you commiserate with anything that came out of MY dating coaching? Let’s discuss.